Thursday, May 14, 2015

Being an Active Player

Apparently, your last emoji is considered the "loudly crying face emoji"

I wish I could hear you wail 
And I wish I could see your face drop
I wish the pain you felt was true 
And I wish it made up for all the discomfort I've felt since leaving
Before I could inflict further damage


I take a step backwards
"Examine your life from a third person perspective", one of my many English teachers advised
And what I saw was a monster with a hole in her heart
A hole that used to contain expectations 
That used to contain dreams and plans

Part of me feels I have given too much
In a society where giving love your all is a taboo
In a society where playing hard to get is the gold-standard
In a society where the ability to ignore texts is rewarded

I've said, time and time again, how I wished that we are two companies seeking a business partnership
Instead of two singletons looking for love
A professional courtship involves spelled out intentions and offerings
A professional courtship involves contracts and MOUs
A professional courtship involves minimal emotion
And a professional courtship involves clear evaluations, punishments and rewards 

Instead, we are back where we were years ago 
Fallen into the same trap we wove from day one
If only I had been weary
If only I had been prepared
If only I had maintained that wall that reliably sheltered me from the likes of you

Every so often, a movie still appears in my mind
Of a girl looking to the sky, wondering where her "he" is 
Wishing him the best of luck
Reminiscing on how she promised him her love before he ever showed interest

Each time I re-watch that movie
I am inspired
The happy ending helps
Though it took place 6 years too late


Now, I wonder if destiny will make this impatient girl wait
And I wonder if I even believe in destiny
Especially when I believe in catalysts and accelerators
When I believe in determining my own life path 

I decide that it is my decision to make 
To hurt you 
To hurt myself
Or to walk away 

I need to decide whether to lay out my seeds for the wind and rain
Or to keep it within the security of my hand
Whatever it is, it remains an active pursuit of a larger dream 
Even if my it merely equates to 50% of our final outcome

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