|The Message on The Wall|
This art piece was created by the fantastic and multi-talented Christiaan Pfeifer
Heimbold, Sarah Lawrence College
My Carpet, My Lover
Problems, I don’t really have any problems with problems, if you know what I mean? It seems very reductive but it isn’t, really. I just don’t have any issue with being stuck in a rut or being faced with dilemmas. Actually, I just roll with it. That is the one reward for being uptight. It takes me approximately my entire existence to plan and schedule events or dinner parties or just the perfect moment to say hello to my crush. Then it takes me another entire existence to think about the various possibilities of things going wrong, perhaps the train is delayed causing a domino effect on tonight’s schedule or someone gets an injury, or the hot rollers aren’t hot enough to create perfect ringlets. Afterwards there’s a list of other things I need to accomplish, things that are often overlooked by most people I know. All of my friends aren’t uptight or as uptight as I am. To be honest, you can’t have too many uptight people in the same room, because being uptight should not be normal. After enduring the special process I’d like to call ‘calculation’, I take a deep breathe and go on with my perfectly planned out day. Things may go wrong but I don’t freak out. Why, you ask? Well, I have taken into account enough if not all of the different wrong turns and possible avenues to take in my head, creating a catalogue of damage control approaches. Nothing could really get past me, really. Maybe that’s why I look so cool under pressure, especially when I succeed in controlling my nervous, bobbing knee. But there is one thing in life that I never plan on: love. Unlike most things in life, it takes two to fall in love. How preposterous! I know, I know, that as human beings we need others to survive. I am totally onboard with that agreement, I mean, aren’t we all? We agree to work together, whether we like or despise each other, in order to survive. Yet, rarely do we do it just out of selflessness. For instance, kill ourselves for another person. Actually, selflessness comes from love, it truly does. Unfortunately it takes two to be in a relationship, you need to be in love with person X and he/she needs to be in love with you. Well, that is clearly my ideal relationship. I don’t calculate falling in love because I can’t plan out another person’s life or make sure that the person that I have fallen in love with falls in love with me at the right time. Imagine my shock when I did finally meet that person at the perfect time just a few years after sorting my life out. I had completed my graduate degree and built a theatre as well as a thriving business. My life was in order. It was the first time in my life that I felt content living a solitary life. In my own apartment in a safe neighborhood, just a few steps from the subway, I could feel myself sinking into my body, taking in the smell of coffee and being certain that I would never need anyone to make me as happy as I was then and there.
Now, I have to constantly prevent myself from squeezing my fist too tightly. If I do, you’ll leave me for eternity. A few hours ago, no, a few months ago my perfect life was gladly destructed by your entrance. Foolishness and empty dreams permeated through me, as I opened the door and let you in. Now, all I have is an empty broken vase scattered all over my carpet. A year ago, I would immediately freak out if I found my carpet to be forever ruined, tainted by death. But now, I can’t even stop myself from breaking down and sprawling my body on the carpet, instead of picking up the vacuum cleaner to conduct a vigorous attempt to safe it. Eventually, I did take out the machine, made sure that it was clean, installed a new filter and vacuumed the carpet. I wanted to keep you still, somewhere, in a container, even though it goes against everything you stand for.
Body. Cremation. Dust. Everywhere.
*Author owns rights to all of the photos above